Can't read but will apply

Every few days I have to delete an email that looks like one of these:

I was keenly intrested to pursue my summer project under your guidance.I will be highly Obliged if I am considered eligible to given this opportunity based on my resume given below.I Promise that all the details given below are true to the best of my knowledge
Respected sir,
We the students of NNNNN TTTTT IIIII, XXXX, studying in Fourth Semester. We have a strong inclination towards research and project work. So we wish to do a project under your able guidance during our summer vacations (MAY-JUNE 2006).
Respected Sir,
I am XXXX, 20, a 2nd Year Student of Computer Science and Engineering of IIIII NNNNN TTTTT, XXXX. Sir, I want to utilize my upcoming summer vacation in better and constructive way. So I will be grateful to you if you can guide me for some projects going under your supervision on campus during summer vacation (15th May 2006 to 25th July 2006 (9 weeks)), so that I can have a better and bright future. I would like to assure you that I will dedicate myself entirely throughout this period for the project.
My university will be offering me a break from May to June. I'd be highly obliged if you give me a chance to take part in a training/project program in your highly esteemed institute. I understand that the projects are conducted according to the availability of teachers. In case if some problem arise I will be highly grateful if you could suggest me an alternative.
I am a student of 3rd year, pursuing my B-Tech from Computer Science and Engineering Department, XXXX. I am interested in doing a summer project under you in the field of Databases during summer '06.
I desire to pursue my Summer Internship under your Intellectual and genuine guidance.

And then there are those who would exploit "six degrees of separation":

Dear Sir, Myself is RRR TTTT working in OOOO as scientific officer and also an IITB alumini.my younger brother is persuing B Tech in CSE from LLLL(XX).He has great willingness to work a small project under your guidence. i am sending a brief introduction about him which is as follows.

This one takes the cake:

I am FFF LLL, a B Tech Computer Sc student from MMM SSS Institute of Technology under WWWUUUTTT. Sir I have keen desire to get my doctoral from a US University on Distributed computing or Wireless Technologies, so I am going to sit for GRE. For the purpose, without preambling, as you know I must secure some good recommendation. So it is my earnest appeal to you that please show me the way and elevate my dream. Waiting for your reply and oblige.

And here is an irresistible offer:

My name is JJJJ R RRRR. I am an International Rifle Shooter of India and I was a member of an INDIAN AIR RIFLE SHOOTING TEAM FOR YEAR 2006. I am a presently studding in a 7th semester of B.E. Information Technology at LLLL DDDD Engineering College, AAAA, GGGG. Sir, I want to do my 8th semester project work under your supervision. I am sending my Resume with this. I am sure that you would kindly cooperate and oblige.

How could I possibly refuse from the wrong end of a Remington?

Then there is in-your-face dishonesty:

I have gone through your research activities given on your homepage. I am looking for a challenging opportunity for summer internship for the period of May-July 2007.

When I pointed out that anyone reading my homepage would notice my statement (that I do not take external students), I got a response like this:

it's fine if u donot want to work with me ,but such words don't suit a proff of ur standards

Clearly there is no dearth of entitlement, just good sense.

Another rather colorful one:

So are you or are you not going to offer me that internship ? I take it from your silence that you haven't yet decided. But you gotta hurry up professor, you can't leave me hanging for weeks.

ps: I understand. That little blurb on your webpage is just to keep down the number of applicants.

Heighly honourable esteemable Sirji,
I, RRRR MMMM CCCC , son of Shri LLLL PPPP CCCC, am 3rd year student of information technology at BBBB BBBB AAAA University in LLLL. I saw your webpage on internet and I like it very much.

I like to go for higher studies in Berkly in us and I like to do research in same subject as you do. Some of the fields I am intrested are Bidirectional Expansion For Keyword Search on Graph Databases, Learning to rank networked entities, and general web search. You have good experience in such fields so respected honourable sirji I thought I could do 3 month project under your expert leadership in summer 2007. I like to go for higher studies in us and also like to take your reco if you think I deserve.

I hope you give me opertunity to serve you.

yours humbly
RRRR MMMM CCCC.

ps: My Tauji work in big position in Motrola in US and if you like I can send your resume to him.

2007/11/26: Then there are those zero-knowledge requests that are careful not to divulge to me my research area:

I have gone through the details of your research work and the courses you are teaching and I am very keen to work in the field of ............ To enhance my knowledge and experience in this field, I would like to work under your esteemed guidance for my summer internship.
That ............ sure looks like the Morse code for an SOS! Gone are the days when you had to waste your life actually studying and liking some specific area and only then write to people you wanted to work with.

Update on 2008/03/03: Here is an email from a student discussing, for want of a more suitable word, my policy.

2008/07/27: Here is another SMS-style "application". So happy to find approval!

Dear Sir,

I am SSSS GGGG second year student @ Computer Science in RRRR college, BBBB. As you r aware it is the best college in Bangalore.

From ur profile it seems like u are a very smart person. India needs teachers like u. I want to do 1 month project under ur guidance in August. Could u tell me what paper work I should complete? I can send ur my resume if u are interested. I am gr8 at advanced programming like visual basic. I wrote a screen saver last month and all my friends use it.

I went through your website and it is really cool. One day I will have such a website.

I dont expect salary during the project so I am sure u wiill guide me for the project. Just so that there is no confusion later I want u to give me a recommendation letter so that I can apply 4 higher studies in the USA. Let me know if u cannot do this 4 whatever reason. I am going to finish GRE and TOFEL next year.

Awaiting ur reply.

yours truely,
SSSS GGGG

p.s: I am also from west bengal only. Did u grow big in kolkata?

2008/07/31: And then there are people who get my affiliation wrong, but the email right (formatting original):

SIR,

I am VVVV from WWWW [insert brain-damaging Indian software company name here], i have been associated with WWWW on datawarehousing projects . I have resigned WWWW due to personal reasons of not getting chance to learn much. I have decided to learn some thing on database side and then pick up in my career I would be very much greatfull if iam given an oppurtunaty to learn and be a part of IISC bangalore, precisely i would want to work on any database projects , please sir this is my humble request kindly accept me .Save me sir it is my humble request.

Hope you can come out with some positvee decision.

2008/09/04: And now, project requests from the southern hemisphere!

Respected Professor,
We are students of III year B. Tech Computer Science And Engineering studying in NNNN, TTTT . We are interested in doing a Technical Project under your able guidance during the summer vacations starting from December-2008 for duration of 5-6 weeks.
We have gone through research papers in the fields of Development of Algorithms, Windows Develpment and Artificial Intelligence and have developed immense interest in the recent research and intricate details of the mentioned fields.

Forget about the shoddy language, downright dishonesty and abject desperation; these folks can't even read the homepages of people with whom they ostensibly wish to work! This is what I say very early in my homepage, you can't miss it:

At the moment I am not offering short-term projects to students not enrolled in a regular program at IIT Bombay. Only if you are looking for at least a year-long position, send email with an ASCII resume.

It's hard to overstress the liability of a nation of a billion people out of which 700 million are functionally illiterate and the rest have no wish to follow instructions, even when they are asking for a favor.

See what I mean?