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										<font face="Verdana" size="1"><b>
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										</b></font><font face="Verdana" size="2"><b>Starcrash (1979)</b></font><font face="Verdana" size="2"><br>
										</font>
										<p><font face="Verdana" size="2"><img height="192" width="127" src="../../img-m3/starcrash-cvr.jpg"></font></p>
										<p><font face="Verdana" size="1"><b>Own it!</b><br>
													</font><font face="Verdana" size="2"><b>VHS &#149; <a href="http://www.cultdvdzone.com/view_product.php?product=STA812EN1">DVD</a></b></font></center>
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										<font face="Verdana" size="1">
										<hr>
										review by Scott Hamilton and Chris Holland
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										<font face="Verdana" size="2"><b>See also:</b></font>
										<p><font face="Verdana" size="1"><b><a href="../f/flash-gordon.html">Flash Gordon</a></b></font></p>
										<p><font face="Verdana" size="1"><b><a href="star-wars-phantom-menace.html">Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace</a></b></font></p>
										<p><font face="Verdana" size="1"><b><a href="../m/metalstorm-dojs.html">Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared Syn</a></b></font>
												<p><font face="Verdana" size="1"><b><a href="../star-wars-holiday-special.html">Star Wars Holiday Special</a></b></font></p>
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											<p><font face="TREBUCHET MS" size="6"><b>Starcrash</b></font></p>
											<p><font face="TREBUCHET MS"><img align="No" src="../../img/lava.gif" width="50" height="150" alt="Lava Lamp"></font></p>
											<p><font size="1" face="TREBUCHET MS">Our rating: one LAVA&reg; motion lamp</font><font face="TREBUCHET MS">.</font></p>
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														<b><font size=3 face="Arial, Helvetica">Please, God, let her take a cue<br>
																
																from the opening credits of <i>Barbarella</i>.</font></b></center>
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										<font face="TREBUCHET MS"><a name="back"></a>We'll give the Italians credit, they're fast. As we pointed out in our review of <b><a href="../t/tentacles.html">Tentacles</a></b>, it was an Italian rip-off of 1975's <b>Jaws</b>, and hit theaters in 1977. <b>Starcrash</b>, an utterly amazing Italian rip-off of <b>Star Wars</b>, had a similar turnaround time. <b>Star Wars</b> was in theaters in 1977, and people desperate for another dose of space opera could go see <b>Starcrash</b> <a href="#footnote1">two years later</a>.</font>
										<p><font face="TREBUCHET MS">But boy, you would have to be pretty desperate if you thought this compared to <b>Star Wars</b> in any way shape or form. <b>Star Wars</b> had Sir Alec Guiness and Harrison Ford; <b>Starcrash</b> has Christopher Plummer and David Hasselhoff. <b>Star Wars</b> built up a believable, if fantastic, universe; <b>Starcrash</b>'s alien planets are all too obviously Italian locations, given away by the fact that we've seen them all in many a Hercules film. WIth <b>Star Wars</b>, a new age of special effects began. With <b>Starcrash</b>, we were instantly transported back to the previous age, in which soda bottles suspended from fishing wire were somehow acceptable substitutes for spaceships.</font></p>
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														<img src="../../img-m3/starcrash-b.jpg" width="320" height="240" alt="Starcrash"></center>
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														<b><font size=3 face="Arial, Helvetica">&quot;The Galactic Council will now judge<br>
																
																which of you is prettier.&quot;</font></b></center>
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										<font face="TREBUCHET MS">The hero of <b>Starcrash</b> is interstellar rogue Stella, played by sexy Caroline Munro. She and her vapid, mystical sidekick Akton (Marjoe Gortner) are captured by the Empire (or somebody -- it was never totally clear) and sent to a prison colony.</font>
										<p><font face="TREBUCHET MS">Stella, who is made to wear a revealing and degrading prison outfit that is actually less revealing and degrading than what she wears when she has a choice in the matter, engineers a breakout. This is helped along by the fact that the ore processor fatally overloads after being shot once. After a few very welcome scenes of the scantily-clad Stella running around an Italian field, our heroine is picked up by Thor and Robot L, the law enforcement officers who captured and put her in prison in the first place. Thor tells Stella that the Emperor of the Galaxy wants to see her.</font></p>
										<p><font face="TREBUCHET MS">Sure enough, he does. The Emperor of the Galaxy (Christopher Plummer, who is dressed like he was waylaid into making this movie while on his way to play Marc Anthony for some other movie) charges Stella, Akton, Thor and L to find his son, whose ship was lost after it was attacked by red blob monsters. Stella and crew calculate three places that escape pods from the doomed ship may have landed.</font></p>
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														<img src="../../img-m3/starcrash-c.jpg" width="320" height="240" alt="Starcrash"></center>
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														<b><font size=3 face="Arial, Helvetica">They filmed our dreams!</font></b></center>
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										<font face="TREBUCHET MS">The first planet is the planet of Amazons. We could really get behind this part of the film, as the scantily clad Amazons take Stella prisoner, and Stella fights her way out. Stella, it almost goes with out saying, is wearing knee-high boots. </font>
										<p><font face="TREBUCHET MS">The second planet is an ice planet. Stella wears a snow suit that covers her entire body. Boring! Let's move onto the next planet.</font></p>
										<p><font face="TREBUCHET MS">The last planet our heroes visit is populated by Neanderthals and David Hasselhoff. So just Neanderthals. Once Hasselhoff (who is the Emperor's son) is found we just have to wait for the good guys defeat the bad guy for once and for all.</font></p>
										<p><font face="TREBUCHET MS">Oh wait, we didn't mention the bad guy. He's Count Zarth Arn (Joe Spinell), and he's out to do something really evil. We just don't know what it is, but it involves his terrifying space fortress, which looks kind of like giant hand. And when it goes into attack formation it makes a fist. Spinell is amazingly miscast -- he's supposed to be dark and menacing, but compared to Darth Vader, Zarth Arn is a pizza delivery guy. Spinell was a fine actor who even appeared in <b>The Godfather</b>, but &quot;galactic overlord&quot; just isn't in his repetoire.</font></p>
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														<img src="../../img-m3/starcrash-d.jpg" width="320" height="240" alt="Starcrash"></center>
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														<b><font size=3 face="Arial, Helvetica">In the pantheon of space badguys,<br>
																
																there's Darth Vader, then <a href="../f/flash-gordon.html">Ming the Merciless</a>,<br>
																
																and somewhere at the bottom, Zarth Arn.</font></b></center>
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										<font face="TREBUCHET MS"><b>Starcrash</b> is nearly unwatchable for many reasons. We love Caroline Munro, but for some reason her voice is dubbed by someone else. Everyone in the film is dubbed, except for Plummer and Hasselhoff -- and even their voices were added in later, presumably over lunch one day, because the words rarely sync up to the actors' lips.</font>
										<p><font face="TREBUCHET MS"><b>Starcrash</b> is a typical Cormanesque hack job -- recycled props and sets (note the costumes of the Imperial Guards, ripped straight from David Carradine's back after the filming of <b>Death Race 2000</b>), substandard effects, silly story, and a half-naked babe to hold it all together. If it weren't for the fact that she's been making similar trash all her career, we might even ask how Munro got roped into this movie.</font></p>
										<p><font face="TREBUCHET MS">The coup de grace is the fact that all the dialogue is horribly written. Take, for instance, this actual passage of dialogue, with a few superflous bits taken out:</font></p>
										<p><font face="TREBUCHET MS">&quot;Get ready to ease out of orbit.&quot;<br>
												
											&quot;This doesn't make you nervous, does it?&quot;<br>
												
											&quot;Well, leave it to me.&quot;<br>
												
											&quot;Build up maximum energy!&quot;<br>
												
											&quot;OK, I'm ready.&quot;<br>
												
											&quot;All system prepare for full power!&quot;<br>
												
											&quot;Let's lock in these controls...&quot;<br>
												
											&quot;Let's go!&quot;</font></p>
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														<img src="../../img-m3/starcrash-e.jpg" width="320" height="240" alt="Starcrash"></center>
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														<b><font size=3 face="Arial, Helvetica">&quot;Now if you'll excuse me,<br>
																
																I must go speak with Marc Antony.&quot;</font></b></center>
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										<font face="TREBUCHET MS">
										This exchange prompted our friend Melanie to comment, &quot;This really would have been more effective as a porn movie.&quot;
</font>
										<p><font face="TREBUCHET MS">Melanie had many other choice comments, which we will quickly list here because she was so right about so many things.</font></p>
										<p></p>
										<li><font face="TREBUCHET MS">On the coherency of the plot: &quot;What the hell? I have no idea what just happened!&quot;
</font>										<p></p>
										<li><font face="TREBUCHET MS">On the protagonists: &quot;They're morons.&quot;
</font>										<p></p>
										<li><font face="TREBUCHET MS">Regarding the special effects: &quot;It's somebody's Lego collection!&quot;
</font>										<p></p>
										<li><font face="TREBUCHET MS">Referring to Marjoe Gortner as Akton: &quot;I think he's really convincing... as a hairdresser.&quot;
</font>										<p></p>
										<li><font face="TREBUCHET MS">And finally, Melanie's thoughts on <b>Starcrash</b> as a whole: &quot;Not enough Wookiees in this movie. That's the problem.&quot;</font>
										<p><font face="TREBUCHET MS">We couldn't have said it better ourselves.</font></p>
										<div align="center">
											<p><font face="Verdana" size="1"><b>Own it!</b><br>
												</font><font face="Verdana" size="2"><b>VHS &#149; <a href="http://www.cultdvdzone.com/view_product.php?product=STA812EN1">DVD</a></b></font></p>
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								<td><font face="TREBUCHET MS"><b>
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											<td align="left"><font face="TREBUCHET MS"><b>Review date: 05/19/1999</b></font></td>
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							</b></font><font size="1" face="TREBUCHET MS"><b>This review is &copy; copyright 2001 Chris Holland &amp; Scott Hamilton. Blah blah blah. Please don't claim that it's yours blah blah, but feel free to e-mail it to friends, or better yet, send them the URL. To reproduce this review in another form, please contact us at <a href="http://www.stomptokyo.com/contact.html">guys@stomptokyo.com</a>. Blah blah blah blah. LAVA&reg; , LAVA LITE&reg; and the motion lamp configuration are registered trademarks of Haggerty Enterprises, Inc., Chicago, IL</b></font></div>
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						<p><font face="TREBUCHET MS">The master of the exploitative rip-off of a current cinematic hit is Roger Corman, who managed to get his <b>Jurassic Park</b> rip-off <b><a href="../c/carnosaur.html">Carnosaur</a></b> into theaters a week before <b>Jurassic Park</b> premiered. <a href="#back">Go back!</a></font></p>
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